Right Now

I am here...somewhere. I haven't written on either of my blogs in quite a while. I can't explain why. I really don't have a lot of extra time. I am finding I would rather spend time with Kaedence, than write I guess. The only time I get to myself to write is just before bed, and often I'd rather just nap, or watch some TV. I have written a few posts and not published them for one reason or another. I guess there are things that I need to write down, but that I don't need to hit the "Publish Post" button about.

Kaedence is growing so fast! She is 6 1/2 months old, and at her 6 month checkup she weighed 15.5 lbs and was 25 inches long. The doctor wants to measure and weigh her again at 8, and 10 months just to make sure she doesn't fall off the growth charts. She is still considered "small" according to those charts, but the charts don't take into consideration that she was 6 lbs at birth...they are really meant for 7 or 8 lb babies. She is rolling and rolling around is her primary means of self-transportation. She is FAST too. You turn your back and she's moved herself 10 feet in a matter of seconds. She likes to stand, and the best $60 we ever spent was on her Jumperoo. She now has 2..yes 2!! bottom teeth which she cut at the same time last week. She now also has her first cold :(

I want to freeze time. Just keep her this way for a little while. But then there are days when I wake up and she seems like a different baby, and the baby of yesterday is gone. A new look, a new expression, a new milestone, they just keep coming. Then there are moments that make me freeze. Yesterday I went to the grocery store around supper time as there was a few things we needed. I made a quick trip out of it, because she seemed to be getting sick..quickly. On the way home, she fell asleep. When I got home, and unpacked the groceries, I put her and her carrier on the dining room table so that I could see her, and she could see me in the kitchen, if she woke up. As I placed her on the table, she had "a look". The soother was out of her mouth, she was ASLEEP...SOUND ASLEEP. I even checked to see if she was breathing. Her hands were clasped across her front....she looked just like her sister...

There are moments recently where I feel like I could go through it all again and have another baby. It is on these days that I remember the pregnancies. The worry, the anxiety, the ignorant bliss, the devastation, the constant kick counting, the inability to function when Kaedence wasn't moving, the post-partum, the breast feeding, the pure exhaustion, c-section recovery, my constant fight to lose the baby weight, and the risks. The risk of loss, the risk of bringing home a sick baby (1 in 4), and that is just for CF alone..never mind all the things that could go wrong that we don't know about. After reflection, I remember why she is our only living (biological) child. Perhaps, if we change our minds down the road, we could adopt. But for now, I concentrate on her. On soaking up every second of her RIGHT NOW, in the moment..because I know, that tomorrow morning, she will be different, again.

Where have I been?

I have no idea! It has been another month since I posted in this space. I am finding I just don't have the time, nor do I have anything insightful, witty, or really important to say. I am also having issues with my blogger account. I can read your posts, but I am unable to comment on them! There have been several comments written, only to be put through the same problems every time. It wants me to do that security word thingy, then it bounces me out of my google account. Then when I sign back in, my comment is gone. This repeats itself every time I try to comment. So, just know that I am reading, I just can't comment :P

Kaedence is growing like a bad weed! She is now 14 weeks (or almost 3 1/2 months!!) I don't think it will be long before she will grow out of her 0-3 month clothes *sniff*. Dresses and such seem to fit fine, it is the sleepers she is growing out of, and a few of her onesies are starting to become too short! She is into some of her 3-6 month clothing, depending on what it is. We were visiting family the other day and they tried to weigh her, and their scale said she weighed on the heavy side of 10 pounds. I find that hard to believe..I think she weighs more than that! I'd say she's probably closer to 12 pounds.

She is smiling up a storm now, and will react when I greet her in the morning, or when I go to pick her up. She is babbling and tells lots of stories. She seems to play really well on her own, and actually, when I try to play with her she just sits there and stares at me. If I go away, she start babbling and batting at her toys. She has found her hands, and this means that she is either playing with her fingers or trying to put a fist in her mouth. When I read to her, she usually falls asleep. She is sleeping through the night and usually goes down around 10pm and gets up around 6:30. She seems to eat 4 or 5 times a day and is up to 6 1/2 ounces per feeding! She is sitting with assistance, and LOVES the ceiling fan, anything that hangs above her (like her mobile), and.....she loves the TV :s So we have to turn that off. I usually keep the satellite radio on during the day, that way she listens to music. She loves her jogging stroller, which is great for me because it is allowing me to exercise outside :)

Here are the latest pictures... Cheers!

10 weeks


11 weeks


12 weeks


13 weeks


14 weeks- 1 day : Canada Day!


14 weeks + 1 day (yesterday) We all went to see the RCMP musical ride. As a Canadian, this is the first time I remember seeing the ride. I recommend it to all my fellow Canucks, and if any of my American friends ever get a chance to see it, well, you should! :D

She's SO busy watching those Red Serges going round and round and round...




Her first encounter with the police!


Kaedence and my DH get up close and personal with a horse and rider :)

An update...

It has been nearly a month since I have written in this space, and my only excuse is that I am busy. My DH is working quite a bit, which makes me primary care giver to the little lady, and full time maid. I am scared at the thought of what our house will look like when I go back to work next year!

Kaedence is GROWING! Just today, I packed up all her newborn outfits (*sniff *sniff ). They will be passed along to friends of ours (whose little girl was born 5 weeks premature, 2 weeks after we had Kaedence). Of course, I kept a few for sentimental reasons. She is settling into a routine, and is sleeping around 6 hours at night, at best. I am no longer pumping for her, so that means that I get a little more sleep at night. She started grinning a few weeks ago, and is cooing. She will tell you stories! She can pretty much hold her head up on her own, but we still have a hand at the ready, just in case she gets tired. She is really enjoying her play mat and loves anything that is hanging above her (mobiles, ceiling fans, etc). She had her 2 month needles 2 weeks ago, and she SCREAMED! Poor little thing! But at that appointment she weighed almost 9 pounds and was 21 1/2 inches long.

Here are a few pictures of the last few weeks! As you can see, it seems there is no limit to the number of facial expressions this child has!

4 weeks


5 weeks


6 weeks


7 weeks

8 weeks


9 weeks


Just yesterday

Mother's day

Ah, Mother's day. What a different experience from last year's Mother's day, when I wanted the entire day to just disappear off the calendar. But I'm still a little ambivalent and I don't know why. I'm so happy Kaedence is here, alive and healthy, and I get to experience this Mother's day as a mother to a living child, but I just can't seem to get "in the spirit". Perhaps this is the "rainbow mom's" experience. Happiness, with a bit of bitterness...

The first month.. post-partum...

(Professional photo taken at 13 days old)

Wow, I can't believe Kaedence is a month old. It feels like those precious days that I was so looking forward to when I was pregnant, are gone forever. There are a few things I wish I could have done differently, but in the end, she is here, and so are we, so we make the best of now. Please pardon the following rant, but I've got to put it down.

Breast feeding has not gone well from the start, and it is heartbreaking. Breast feeding was my "one" crusade. It was the one thing I wanted to do, at all costs, but there have been many factors that have not helped the situation. First, Kaedence will NOT open her mouth wide enough, so getting a good latch is impossible. I think I have nursed her once in the last month when it hasn't hurt. If she does manage to get a good latch, she will take a few good gulps, get the milk flowing, then use me as a pacifier. When she does this, she pushes my nipple to the front of her mouth (just behind the gums), then bites down...OUCH!! I have been told by a lactation consultant that the constant "on-off" dance that we do with the latch causes friction damage, and it is no wonder it hurts. My first day home from the hospital, I ended up getting sick with a chest infection and they put me on really strong antibiotics. These antibiotics gave poor Kaedence the "poops" and burned her little bottom. So after some research, and talking with a Pharmacist, the decision was made that I would have to dump my breast milk for the remainder of my prescription + 48 hours (to allow the drug to leave my breast milk). So Kaedence was on formula for about a week. This allowed my nipples (which were cracked and bleeding) to heal, but the antibiotics also gave me a yeast infection on my nipples. I don't know if any of you ladies have ever experienced this, but it feels like razor blades when you nurse, and for an hour or so afterwards. So I was put on an antifungal for that. Once we got that all cleared up, my milk supply plummeted. So now, I'm taking Fenugreek and pumping every 3 hours (because I still can't stand the pain when I feed her), to try and boost my supply. I don't know if it is working. My supply is almost back to what it was, but it isn't getting better beyond that. I am only able to pump off enough milk to give her about 1 or 2 bottles of pure breast milk a day (6 ounces a day or so)... The last resort is a prescription medicine called Domperidone, and I don't know if I want to go that far or not... As of right now, all the medications, the pump, and the time, have cost me more than straight formula feeding ever would have!

The lack of success breast feeding is a huge blow for me. I hate the fact that I have fought with her for the first month of her life to feed. I feel inadequate as a mom for not being able to feed her... my one job as a mother... I also feel like for the first month of her life, I haven't really held her unless she is crying. I looked after her when she had a messy diaper, or when she needed a bath, or when she fussed, or when she needed to be fed (when we were breast feeding this was an awful fight!). After she was settled, and warm, everyone else got to hold her. I seldom got to snuggle her when she was content, because by the time that opportunity came I had to put her down otherwise she would have been up all night. It was always more important that someone else hold her, and now I can't get that time back. It won't be replaced with another baby because we likely will not have another one. I feel like I am just getting to know her now... which was my biggest fear when I was pregnant.

I am struggling with the decision to call it quits on the pumping. I spend at least 3-4 hours a day right now hooked to the pump. This is at all hours of the day and night because I am supposed to be pumping every 3 hours. I am still not making nearly enough milk to feed her. I know that what I am giving her is still important, no matter how little. But on another level, I just want the throw out the pump, bind my breasts, and spend this time with her instead. I think I am done with the direct breast feeding. I am at least able to enjoy her when I can, rather than resenting her for the pain whenever she touches my breasts. I am thinking that unless my supply dramatically increases, she will end up being a formula baby...which was the last thing I wanted. I am feeling that until I can let this breast feeding thing go, I won't really get to enjoy her. The public health nurse is coming tomorrow to help us with breast feeding...I think it is time for "a talk".

For the good news, she is healthy and alive. She does not have CF, and she is not even a carrier of the condition (like her Dad and I are). She has better genes than we do! She is growing SO fast now. It took her some time to get back up to her birth weight, but once she did she started gaining quickly. Last week she weighed 6lbs 15 ounces. I am positive that she is about 7 1/2 pounds now. I feel like this is an awful thing to say..but I am glad she is still small. I still have my "newborn" in size. She still fits into Newborn clothing, but I can see that she will be growing out of them very quickly.

I have wondered if I am going a bit "post-partum". I have talked with a few other Moms and they felt the same way when they went through it. Then I feel so fucking guilty. What do I have to be upset over? No one (other than me) cares how she is fed... she is alive...she is healthy..she is growing.. I don't think she hates me (yet)...

*sigh* I can't believe she is a month old... the time has slipped right past me.

I'll stop my bitching and moaning now and go back to my baby now... Oh, here are a few highlights from the past month!

One hour old!


One day old!


2 days old (napping on Daddy's chest)


One week old.


One week old...she gets to snuggle with her big sister (Kherrington's ashes are stored inside this bear).


2 weeks old (almost)..


3 weeks old (all dressed up and going for dinner!)


4 weeks old

Newborn Photos!!

I am SO far behind in blog posts, that it is ridiculous! There is SO much I want to write about, (and get off my chest), but I just don't seem to have the time. As I type this right now, I am pumping with my collection container conveniently wedged between my knee and the table :s Perhaps, when things slow down and we get some free time, I'll be able to get caught up. I wanted to take a moment and share a "Sneak Peek" at our newborn photo shoot. These pictures were taken on Friday April 8th, by Pam Tomen with Great Takes Photography. Please go take a peek at them HERE (on her blog). Our little rainbow, Kaedence, was 13 days old on the day of her photo shoot, which also happened to be her "original" due date, before they changed it to April 9th! Enjoy!

Our delivery story.

So, I am finally getting around to typing up our delivery story..12 days later! :s Recovery has been long and painful for me, and that is my excuse. That, and I really don't have a sense of "time" anymore, the days just seem to run together. So...here is our story!

On Friday, March 25th, I had my regular appointments with the Antenatal clinic for a biophysical profile, and the Obstetrician. The Biophysical profile went well, she scored a 10/10. At my OB appointment, the doctor who was seeing me that day was going to be my delivering doctor on Saturday at the hospital. I will refer to him as Dr.M. Dr. M checked me and discovered that my cervix was still high and closed, and he sent me over to the hospital to have a tablet of cytotec put in overnight.

We headed over to the hospital, and arrived there at around 3pm. We talked with the nurses, and decided that we would go have dinner, and go see a movie, and return back to the hospital after we were done. My bestie from My life in Purple arrived in the city at around 5pm, and we went and had dinner with some friends, and saw a movie (Hall Pass). At around 9:30 pm we headed back to the hospital.

At approximately 10:30pm, they inserted the tablet of cytotec, monitored the baby for about 1/2 hour, then sent me to my room for the night. At around 2am, I woke up, and was crampy. I was unable to go back to sleep, so I called the nurse and she brought me something to ease my discomfort. I woke up at around 6:30am, had my breakfast, took a shower, and went over to Labour and Delivery at around 10am. Dr.M greeted us, and checked me. I had progressed to 3 cm and 80% effaced just with the single dose! So he decided to break my water. They sent me for a walk, and told me to come back in about 45 minutes. So my hubby went to get a snack, and my bestie and I walked the halls. At 11am I returned to L &D, and they checked me again... no change. So they decided to start the oxytocin in the I.V. During this entire process, they kept saying how I would likely progress very quickly once labour got going, so I was hopeful for a quick delivery, and hopefully by supper time. They let me eat some lunch and started the oxytocin at just after noon.

By 2:30pm my contractions were beginning to become uncomfortable. They checked me and I was only 3-4 cm and the baby's head was "high". Our little one had been having heart rate decelerations and they couldn't tell if it was her heart beat that the monitor was picking up, or mine. So the decision was made to put an electrode on her scalp to pick up her heart beat. I had not had any pain medications, and this procedure was the most uncomfortable part of my day thus far! Once the electrode was in place, they were able to track her heart beat.

At around 4:30 pm I had my epidural, and I was told that I was only 4-5 cm and that the baby's head was still "high". She was experiencing "compression" contractions, where her heart rate would rise as the contraction began..then dip during the contraction, and recover to normal afterwards. At around 5pm the nurse checked me because of these contractions. She was thinking that I would be dilating quickly. No luck..still the same. The doctor decided that we would continue with the induction, and monitor the baby closely. He told me that as long as she continued to recover from the contractions, he was OK with continuing.

By 7:30 pm I was on maximum dose oxytocin, and resting comfortably with my epidural. The nurse was monitoring the baby. My contractions were very strong and close together, coming every minute and a half and lasting 50 seconds. I had two strong contractions that she didn't recover from. The nurse tore the monitor strip off, and left us with a student nurse, and went to find Dr.M. 15 minutes later, Dr.M entered the room and said "Marjorie, I think it is time we have this baby. We need to do a c-section...she is not tolerating labour". I said "Do what you have to, just get her out alive!". By 8pm they were getting me ready for the O.R.

Kaedence Raine Gavel was born at 8:43 pm. The doctors moved very quickly to get her out, and she was born with the umbilical cord wrapped around her neck and shoulders..she probably wouldn't have survived a vaginal birth. She sure did exercise her lungs though, and I could hear her crying as they did their assessments down the hall. After the doctor had finished the c-section, and stitched and stapled me back up, they discovered that there was a surgical sponge missing. They ordered an X-ray..and there it was! It was right up just under my rib cage! Dr.M was very apologetic and said that he would have to re-open my incision and remove the sponge and the procedure would take about another 1/2 hour. I was upset that I couldn't hold Kaedence during that time, and they allowed my DH to return to the OR with her while they re-prepped me for another surgery.

The doctor worked quickly, and removed the sponge. By the end of the operation, my epidural was starting to wear off, and I could feel the pressure of the staples as the entered my skin :s NOT a nice feeling!!! They moved me to recovery and I finally got to hold our little girl!

I stayed in the hospital for 4 days post-op. I could have stayed an extra day, but I really wanted to come home. I managed to come down with a chest infection on my first day at home, and I am now on a high dose of antibiotics to help me through that, but in the meantime, I am being forced to pump and dump my breast milk. We discovered that the antibiotics gave poor Kaedence the "poops" and a bad diaper rash. I will do another post soon about the woes of breastfeeding... I am still quite sore, and I am taking Tylenol and Ibuprofen for pain...along with the occasional prescribed morphine tablet at night to make me comfortable enough to sleep.

I can't believe that Kaedence is almost 2 weeks old already. I realized yesterday that I had to get some newborn photos done of her before she got too big! I am waiting to hear back from the photographer. In the mean time... The above picture is a shot of our little rainbow this morning... alert, after her feeding, and 12 days old already! She changes so much everyday.

She's here!!!!!!!!

I can't believe it, but we have our rainbow in our arms! I am a week late in getting this posted, but I'm sure you understand.

Kaedence Raine Gavel arrived on Saturday March 26, 2011 at 2043 via an emergency c-section . She weighed 6lbs lbs and 2 ozs at birth and was 19 3/4 inches long. We are taking some time to get to know our little one, and when I have a chance, I will fill you all in on our birth story. For now, here is a sneak peek at our Rainbow baby!

T-minus 10 days...

Once again, my post is a few days late. Thanks to the after-effects of the amnio, I found it difficult to sit and type for extended periods of time for a few days.

We had our amniocentisis on Monday, and the end result was that it was unsuccessful. The Specialist did a quick scan of our girl, and she still looks good, and weighs approximately 6lbs 4ozs! She gained 1/2 pound in 10 days! So at this rate, I'm figuring she'll be over 7lbs when she is born. I have an anterior placenta (on the front wall of the uterus), and the specialist does not like to go through the placenta to get to a pocket of fluid. So after a few minutes of searching, she found a very small pocket of fluid on my left side, that was located behind the baby's shoulder. She asked me if I still wanted to go through with the amnio and I said "Yes, I don't want to wonder later 'what if'. I would rather do it, and know".

So she had me roll over onto my right hip slightly, and they scrubbed down my tummy with a surgical antiseptic, and set up the sterile drapes around the site. During this process, I felt "bump" rearrange herself a little. The nurse then put the ultrasound back on my tummy to locate the pocket of fluid so the doctor could begin the procedure. The pocket went from very small, to VERY VERY small, and measured 1cm. When "bump" rearranged herself, she moved that shoulder of hers right into that pocket of fluid. The doctor pushed on her a little, and she opened up the pocket a little, and after we discussed it, she decided to go ahead and give it a try.

Now, the amnio this time didn't seem anywhere near as painful as it did last time. I could tell when she hit the uterine wall because I started to cramp a little. When she entered the uterus with the needle, she nicked the very edge of the placenta. When she entered the pocket of fluid, the baby just went crazy. Try to imagine laying perfectly still when you have a 6 pound baby FLAILING away in your stomach. The Doctor said she may have touched her with the needle, and reassured me that it didn't "injure" her, but likely just scared her. She said "Oh Marjorie, I'm sorry, but I don't think this is going to work", and withdrew the needle after trying to draw fluid and getting only blood. I was OK with it, at least we tried, and now we know that it really isn't possible. The doctor said that we were what she calls a "hard case". The baby is taking up a lot of room, the pockets of fluid are small, and any larger pockets are located behind the placenta. She said "I think we just need to set a date".

So after a little discussion, we have decided that March 26th will be induction day!! I have an appointment on the 25th with the Obstetrician in his office and, if needed, he may give me a gel or tablet to ripen my cervix overnight.

They monitored me for 2 hours in Labour and Delivery after the amnio to make sure I didn't have any bleeding or go into active labour. I had some contractions, but nothing progressed and they sent me home. I had some discomfort yesterday morning, and I've been having the occaisonal contraction, but I think they are just regular braxton hicks contractions. Who knows, maybe this one will come before her induction date!

So 10 days... 10 DAYS until I am induced! We installed the car seat today... it still seems so surreal that 2 weeks from now we'll have her here...

35 weeks!

We had an appointment yesterday with the specialist. Our baby girl is looking good, and weighing in at approximately 5lbs 12ozs, which is right in the middle of the growth curve. She has put on nearly a pound and a half in 2 weeks, so she's definitely growing! At this rate, in two weeks time she could easily be 7lbs!

We talked with the specialist during yesterday's appointment and we have decided to go ahead with an amniocentesis to test her lung development for an early induction. My nerves are shot, and with her fluid levels on the low side (see the next paragraph), I'd like to get this show on the road! The amnio will happen on March 14th, and I will be 36weeks + 2 days at that time. Having the test performed will depend on the fluid levels on the day of. She said "we're not going to go to any extremes to do an amnio if I can't get at a pocket of fluid"..(see the next paragraph). There is a SMALL chance that the amnio could break my water or put me into labour, but the Doctor has reassured us that the risks are very low, and at this stage, the baby would be fine if she had to be delivered. We will know the results of the amnio within 48 hours, and IF her lungs are mature, then we have the green light to go ahead and book an induction as soon as they can get us in (hopefully within a few days of the results!). If the results come back as "immature", there will be a "level" given and from that, she said that she will make us wait either 1 or 2 weeks. We're hoping for a healthy baby, so we'll do what we have to, but I'm ready to have her here! She will certainly be big enough!

My amniotic fluid levels had increased a little over the last 2-3weeks, but they were back down to the "low end of normal" again yesterday. It may be a result of her positioning, or the levels just might actually be low. We are going for another biophysical on Monday or Tuesday to take a look at the fluid levels again. I think this is more for my reassurance than anything! I asked her if the fluid levels were a cause for concern for her..and she said "No..they are still within the normal range, but they are on the low end, so we'll just watch it". So I will have two biophysicals, a checkup at our local prenatal clinic, and an appointment with the obstetrician in Fredericton next week! Plenty of appointments, but I don't mind.

Today, I feel a little cruddy. Tummy is sore, and crampy feeling. I had big plans to get a few things done today, but I don't think it will happen. I have a load of baby laundry on the go right now..and it might just have to end there.

On another note, I have just read via facebook that Laura from My World, is officially in labour with her rainbow baby, Carter! I am sending her good vibes and praying for a healthy delivery for her today! I am next on the rainbow list! It seems so surreal, that in two weeks time I COULD be having (or have had) a baby! I am really hoping those lungs are mature!

Catching up...

I realize this is my second post in the same day, but I need to catch up!

On Monday, I attended an all day staff meeting for work. It ran from 9-5 and when I left at 5pm they were still talking. I had an appointment that I needed to go to, and at that point I figured the issues would be ironed out by those who will be working there over the next year. I have received a few e-mails since asking for my input on a few issues, and I appreciate this. I like the fact that I'm still considered part of the team, and my opinion matters, even though the changes won't affect me until 2012 (hopefully!!!).

At about 3pm-ish that day, I noticed my back was starting to hurt. I blamed it on the crappy office chairs. When I got up to leave, I noticed my stomach was just sore and achy. I figured that it was just from fatigue. I finally got home after 6pm, and at around 7pm my DH and I decided to go have some dinner. My stomach was getting increasingly sore, so I thought "we'll go have something to eat..and come right home". On the way to the restaurant, I started having painful spasms that started at my hips and wrapped right around the front of my uterus. They were enough to take my breath away! When we arrived at the restaurant and I stood up, it seemed to feel better, but I was still uncomfortable during dinner. When we were finished eating, my DH said "which hospital are we going to?" We have a local hospital (Waterville; 10-15 minutes away) and we have access to the hospital in Fredericton as well (1hour away). My specialist is in the Fredericton hospital, and my OB is in Fredericton as well. The local hospital doesn't actually have an OB, they just have family doctors who have an interest in obstetrics who staff the Labour and Delivery area. When I got in the car, the spasms started again, and we decided that we would probably receive more reassurance from Fredericton, so we started driving. I had two more spasms during the drive down.

When I arrived, I went up to L&D where they settled us into a room. Not just any room...the EXACT same room that I delivered Kherrington in. We asked the nurse, (who was the same nurse who was working the night I went into labour!), if we could have another room, and she said that they were all full. My thoughts were "Ok, well, we've got to deal with it at some point". It was difficult to walk into the room, but it was set up differently than when I was in there, so that made it seem different. To top it off, the nurse who was there when Kherrington was born, was also on the desk at the nurse's station. The only thing that was different was the doctor. It was a bit surreal, but it was OK too. When I got pregnant with "Bump" I said that I really hoped that we wouldn't have to see the same doctor (who delivered Kheri), wouldn't have to be in the same delivery room, and just would have a different experience. We're having a different experience...but "Bump" is making us deal with some of her big sister's ghosts before her own big day. I've seen the OB who delivered Kheri twice now, I've been in the bathroom where I spent an hour in the tub the evening before I went into labour, and I've been in the same delivery room, and seen some of the nurses.

They had me change, give a urine sample to check for a bladder infection, and then strapped me into the fetal heart monitor, and did a round of vitals. My BP was 128/74 which is a little high for me, but they certainly weren't concerned about it, and I know it was likely due to anxiety levels. The nurse talked to us, and I described my pain to her. She said that the baby looked good on the monitor, but left us hooked up to it for a while, and went and talked with the doctor. A resident came in, and chatted with us, she poked and pushed on the sides of my stomach and asked me if it was tender...which it was. She said that what I was experiencing was round ligament pain, and that it was normal, and is usually significantly worse in second pregnancies than in first pregnancies. The doctor came in shortly after and told us the same thing. We talked them into looking at her with an ultrasound for extra reassurance. We know that the ultrasound in L&D isn't a "diagnostic" tool by any means, but they did a quick biophysical profile, which she passed in the first 2 minutes!

So, "bump" is fine... I'm a mess. Anxiety has jumped a little, and I'm glad she's an active baby! The worst part is in the back of my mind, I know she's fine..but then I quickly remember that I had the same thoughts with Kherrington and she wasn't fine. I think of all the things that could be wrong. I asked my DH "Do you wonder if we would be better off not knowing too much? Not knowing all the things that could go wrong? To be blissfully ignorant? To expect that everything is alright?". It is hard to say... knowing too much can be a good thing because we might catch something that would normally be overlooked. But on the other hand... I'm convinced I'm going crazy. Only 4 weeks and 3 days to go..thank goodness I have that to focus on!

An appointment update!

WOW! I am almost a week behind in my posts!

Last Thursday we had an ultrasound with the specialist and a Biophysical profile. The little lady scored a 10 on her BPP and the ultrasound went well. Her bowels still look good, and she weighed approximately 4lbs 7ozs! If my memory is correct, her big sister was estimated to weigh over 5lbs at this point. So she's measuring a little bit smaller, but still right where she should be on the growth charts.

The specialist talked about an amnio again, and this time she was almost encouraging it. I realize that amnios are her job, to rule out the risks and get answers. But I am still wavering on it. Part of me wants to get one, just so that I know if her lungs are ready, and if I get overly anxious, then I know that early delivery is an option. On the other hand, it does carry a risk. The risk is small (1% for complications) , but it is still there. I mentioned these risks to the specialist, and I told her that my biggest fear was that it would break my water, then we could have a baby with CF and premature lungs. (For a baby with CF, their lungs are the best they will ever be at birth). The specialist responded with "I don't think she has CF. Now that is NOT a diagnosis by any means, it is just speculation. I don't think she has it". This brings some relief, but we're still preparing as though she will have CF. She said we can discuss it again at the next appointment, and she said I can arrive at my 36 week appointment, and decide right then that I want it done. I think it will depend on "the day", her movements and my anxiety levels. I just want her here... alive, and hopefully healthy.

Biophysical #2!

I am so happy to say that our girl scored another 10/10 on her biophysical on Friday! I asked the nurse if she could take a peek at the baby's bowels and if she could see anything abnormal. She looked, and said that she couldn't detect anything out of the ordinary. At one point, there was a beautiful profile shot of her, then she turned towards us, making a picture impossible. In true Diva fashion, she won't let us see her face, but she'll show off her junk every chance she gets! I am sure this one will be in the front row at her preschool pageants with her dress up over her head...something I am sure her big sister would have done too!

Over the past two weeks or so, I have noticed that her movements have changed from the former vigorous punches and kicks, to these stretches and rolls. In the back of my mind, I know that this is normal, but it seemed a little early (compared to her big sister). I saw the Obsetrician on Friday as well and asked him about it, he said "Movement is what we're concerned about. We're looking for quantity, not quality, at this stage". That helped to reassure me... a little. I am eager for our ultrasound with the Specialist on this coming Thursday. It will be 3 weeks since our last ultrasound, and that is too long for my liking.

I am still undecided about having an amnio done. With my building anxiety levels, the idea of testing her lung development (if she's big enough to be delivered) at 36 weeks, and possibly having her here a little earlier than the promised 38 weeks, seems REALLY appealing. On the other hand, I really don't want to go through the same induction process as I did last time. I would like to start to dialate on my own, without the help of gels or tablets.

The next two weeks are quickly filling up for me. There are appointments, a staff meeting for work, possible shopping trips, and the LARGE pile of laundry building up in the nursery that needs to be done before her arrival. Here's hoping the second half of February goes as quickly as the first half did!

Biophysical #1

We had our first biophysical profile yesterday, and the little Diva scored 10/10. She was really active during the Non-Stress test, and we lost her heartbeat once. The nurse figures it was because she was thrashing around so much in there, and was kicking the cord, and moved away. She came right back when the sensor was adjusted. We saw her practicing her breathing during the ultrasound, and cord flow looks good. So that is the first one down... 7 more to go (at most).

*sigh* Let the anxiety begin!

I'm 30 weeks along today, and I think my anxiety is at an all time high. As long as baby keeps moving, I think I'll make it through without losing my sanity! The hardest part is not spending the day on the couch doing kick counts! Let me tell you why my anxiety is now so high..

We had our regular checkup appointments with both the OB and the specialist on Thursday. The OB appointment went as expected. I've gained another 2 lbs in 2 weeks, blood pressure was great, and baby sounded very happy on the doppler. The doctor asked about the spotting, and said that she didn't see the need to check me and disturb anything. We talked about my last round of blood work. I have A- blood, and my DH has A+ blood, so this means I get to have a shot of Rhogam in the hip. I had the shot in the hip at 26 weeks when they did my glucose tolerance test. Apparently, the hospital gave me my Rhogam before doing an antibody screen, so of course, my antibodies came back positive. It is likely that they are positive due to the Rhogam circulating in my bloodstream, and not from any possible cross-contamination of baby's blood and my blood (if the baby has a + blood type, I would build up antibodies, and reject future pregnancies). They want to do another midstream urine culture at my next appointment to ensure that I don't have any UTIs developing. So all in all, that appointment went as expected.

In the afternoon, we went to the specialist for an ultrasound. First I will say, that the general outcome was good. The baby looks good, and is weighing in at approximately 3lbs 5ozs, and managed to put on close to a pound since our last appointment! She was making breathing movements, but we weren't able to get any decent ultrasound pictures because of the way she was positioned, and the fact that she's running out of room in there. While doing the ultrasound scan, the Doctor pushed on my tummy with the probe while measuring the blood vessel flow in the umbilical cord. When she did this, the baby's heart rate dropped... It dropped so low that my DH asked the Doctor if it was my heartbeat, and not the baby's. Then DH asked why, which was going to be the next question out of my mouth anyway. The Doctor said that it was likely a normal reaction from the baby to the pressure on the tummy. Well, then I started to worry. Maybe I shouldn't be pushing on her to wake her up?! Maybe I shouldn't be pushing those arms and feet back into place when I find them in my ribs, or approaching my bladder!? The questions started, and the doctor said that when we were done with the ultrasound, she would take us over to Labour and Delivery and hook us up to the monitors for a Non-Stress test (NST). She said that we would also start weekly biophysical profiles starting next week. Then she explained that the amniotic fluid levels were on the "low side of normal". I guess, that the fluid levels should measure over 2cm, and she found two pockets of fluid. One pocket measured 2.71 and the other 3.14. She said that the low fluid measurements were likely because of the way the baby is positioned. She seems to be floating at the top of the fluid, with the pockets of fluid underneath of her. The Doctor wasn't able to get pictures or measurements of these pockets because of her positioning. As she was explaining this to us, she found a large pocket of fluid, and when she tried to measure it...the baby moved into the pocket of fluid! We all had a little giggle about it (I think my "giggle" was more of a nervous giggle than anything else). She said that as a precaution, we would do the biophysicals and keep an eye on it.

We also discussed the possibility of an amniocentesis at 36 weeks to check for CF and lung development for an early delivery. She said that if I wanted the amnio done, she would do it. I mentioned to her that the OB said that I should be administered steriods for the baby's lung development before the amnio, just in case the amnio puts me into labour and/or breaks my water. The specialist said that she didn't think that would be necessary. She said that the risk of complications with an amnio at 36 weeks is really very low (1%), and if it did put me into labour, the steroids could be administered during my labour if they thought that lung development would be an issue. She said that we would discuss the amnio again at 34 weeks. She mentioned that she would be comfortable inducing me without an amnio at 38 weeks, given my previous loss. The OB said that she wanted to wait until 38 weeks + 5 days. I am really hoping for the induction at 38 weeks, those extra 5 days will seem like an eternity! The specialist said that ultimately they would listen to me, and what my concerns or wishes are when it comes to the amnio and an induction. Part of me doesn't want to have the amnio just for the simple reason that it HURTS!.. We'll see when the time comes.

So we went over to Labour and Delivery to hook me up to the monitors. What a surreal experience that was! I haven't been in there since we had Kherrington. We actually had to walk right by the room where Kheri was born at one point. They ended up doing the NST in the antenatal clinic, which is in a room in the front corner of L& D, because there were no beds available. I had to use the washroom before I laid down on the bed, and the bathroom she took me to was the "tub room" where DH and I had a whirlpool bath the night before Kheri was born. It was all just so surreal. The NST went fine, but I had to stop watching the heart rate numbers because they just made me worry. I think the nurse to could sense the tension and she made conversation with me for a while.

So to sum it up, I left the specialist appointment at the hospital about 45 minutes later than I expected, and somewhat of a nervous wreck. Now I am tracking my kick counts, just in case I need to show them how movements have slowed. I know her movements will "naturally" slow down over the next few weeks because she will run out of room. But that fact will not bring me any comfort. I think it might be a long 8 weeks...

Could it be?? What is this feeling?

So last night I was cruising the Internet looking for deals on diaper bags. I'm planning a shopping trip to our American neighbour in the next few weeks, to pick up some things that are SO much cheaper over "the line". I cruised the U.S Walmart and J.C Penny sites, and then I stumbled into e-bay and found this. Ever since, I have been ridiculously excited over the prospect of this cute little number. For me to be "excited" over a material thing in this pregnancy is a big step. The only thing I get "excited" over are good ultrasound reports. I feel like I'm letting down my guard a little. It is a weird feeling, it is almost...dare I say.. a "normal" pregnant lady feeling??

It isn't a frilly pink thing that hubby will be forced to carry around either. Those of you who know me well, know that I'm not into frills anyway. Her name will not be Abigail, not because we don't like that name, but we've had her name in our minds from the beginning. I guess if we go ahead and order this bag, we'd have to be REALLY sure of her name. I seriously doubt it will change though. Here is what I am "excited" about...

The other thought that crossed my mind is that it feels like a HUGE leap of faith to actually order it. To have something in the house, with her name on it, you know, just "in case" something happens (and I'm not referring to a possible name change). I know that if something were to happen, having her name on a diaper bag certainly will not make the situation any easier or harder. I am hesitant, and yet, I have the urge to get it. To allow myself this little victory over my anxiety, and apprehension over everything that is a significant baby purchase. Who knows, maybe it will open the door to other activities that I have been putting off... like sorting and washing clothes, and the rest of the shopping.

27 weeks + 5 days.. Ultrasound and OB appointment

Once again, my post is a little late coming. The day of my appointment was a VERY early morning, and it turned into quite the day, so I didn't get a post written because I was so tired when I got home. As for yesterday, I was just too busy!

So on Thursday (January 13) we had an appointment with the Specialist...at 8 am!! Which meant I got to wake up at 5:20 am to get myself showered, dressed, fed, and out the door by 6:20. It had snowed the night before, and the road conditions worsened as we got closer to Fredericton, which is a 1 hour drive away. We managed to get there 10 minutes late, but the doctor wasn't in yet. The ultrasound went well. Our little girl looks good, the bowels are still dark, and she was very busy in there. We even watched her make breathing movements! She is estimated to weigh 2lbs 6 ozs which is actually 2 days behind, but that is certainly not a concern.

We only got two pictures of her, and the Specialist didn't attempt a 3D picture. I think it was because of a combination of time remaining in the appointment after the "business" part was done, and the fact that it seemed that our girl had her hands in front of her face! This is the best picture that was taken. The other one was quite fuzzy, because she was just so busy!

After the appointment with the specialist, we had the OB appointment at 11am. We decided to go over early. I had to pee anyway, and I figured that I'd just give my urine sample and wait. I went to the bathroom, gave my sample, wiped... and there it was.. BLOOD. I collected myself, and as soon as I left the bathroom I went straight to a nurse and told her what just happened, and that I wanted to be seen right away. They sat me down in the chair, took my blood pressure, which was 150/80. The nurse patted me on the arm and said, "Your blood pressure is a little high, but given what just happened, I would say it is due to stress. Just take a breath, you're in the best place you could be in for this to happen. We'll get you right in to see the doctor". She was just so sweet! They weighed me, then put me right in an exam room. The doctor wanted to take a peek, so, for the 5th time in this pregnancy, my feet were in the stirrups. The doctor that I was seeing that day was the same Doctor that delivered Kherrington, so that added just a little anxiety. He was very nice, but didn't say much. Asked me the usual "pregnancy bleeding questions", and took a peek. He said he could see exactly where the blood had come from, and said that it wasn't bleeding anymore. He said it was came from the outside of the cervix, and not from the uterus. He said that the baby was fine and he wasn't concerned about the bleeding ...THANK GOODNESS! It sounds like that cervix of mine is still "friable". *sigh* I was hoping, where I hadn't had any significant bleeding episodes in nearly 10 weeks, that maybe...just maybe.. this nonsense was over. But I guess it continues. As long as the baby is fine, I think I can deal with it. My good friend," A " came with me, and she was such a good woman! Held my purse, and my coat, carried the forms, etc. My DH wasn't able to come because he was working, and my "sista" wasn't able to come because she was working too.

After the OB appointment, I refused to leave the city for at least a few hours. In the event the bleeding started again, I wanted to be near the OB's office and the "good" hospital. The bleeding didn't continue, and I've only had 2 little "spots" of residual bleeding. I was very proud of myself when it came to holding myself together after seeing the blood. My BP skyrocketed, but I managed to keep myself composed. Then, after I got home, and later that evening, my hubby came home and I lost it. :S He took my BP just to make sure it was down, and it was right back down to 118/68.

I want to enjoy this pregnancy, because it seems to be slipping by so quickly. But, when I have bleeding episodes like the one I had on Thursday, I just want to fast forward about 10 weeks to see how it all turns out. I am 28 weeks along today, and I am now "officially" starting my third trimester. I am eager to get her here, but I also know she needs more time to cook in there. At least I know that at 38 weeks + 5 days the OB has agreed to induce me, so that is March 31st. Who knows, maybe we'll have an April fools baby. I would certainly be OK if she came a little before that too. Either way, all I want is her here, alive and screaming, puking, pooping, and Lord willing, healthy. Here's to the next 10 weeks!