"...Have faith in your dreams and someday,

your rainbow will come smiling through.

No matter how your heart is grieving,

if you keep on believing,

the dream that you wish will come true..."

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Right Now

I am here...somewhere. I haven't written on either of my blogs in quite a while. I can't explain why. I really don't have a lot of extra time. I am finding I would rather spend time with Kaedence, than write I guess. The only time I get to myself to write is just before bed, and often I'd rather just nap, or watch some TV. I have written a few posts and not published them for one reason or another. I guess there are things that I need to write down, but that I don't need to hit the "Publish Post" button about.

Kaedence is growing so fast! She is 6 1/2 months old, and at her 6 month checkup she weighed 15.5 lbs and was 25 inches long. The doctor wants to measure and weigh her again at 8, and 10 months just to make sure she doesn't fall off the growth charts. She is still considered "small" according to those charts, but the charts don't take into consideration that she was 6 lbs at birth...they are really meant for 7 or 8 lb babies. She is rolling and rolling around is her primary means of self-transportation. She is FAST too. You turn your back and she's moved herself 10 feet in a matter of seconds. She likes to stand, and the best $60 we ever spent was on her Jumperoo. She now has 2..yes 2!! bottom teeth which she cut at the same time last week. She now also has her first cold :(

I want to freeze time. Just keep her this way for a little while. But then there are days when I wake up and she seems like a different baby, and the baby of yesterday is gone. A new look, a new expression, a new milestone, they just keep coming. Then there are moments that make me freeze. Yesterday I went to the grocery store around supper time as there was a few things we needed. I made a quick trip out of it, because she seemed to be getting sick..quickly. On the way home, she fell asleep. When I got home, and unpacked the groceries, I put her and her carrier on the dining room table so that I could see her, and she could see me in the kitchen, if she woke up. As I placed her on the table, she had "a look". The soother was out of her mouth, she was ASLEEP...SOUND ASLEEP. I even checked to see if she was breathing. Her hands were clasped across her front....she looked just like her sister...

There are moments recently where I feel like I could go through it all again and have another baby. It is on these days that I remember the pregnancies. The worry, the anxiety, the ignorant bliss, the devastation, the constant kick counting, the inability to function when Kaedence wasn't moving, the post-partum, the breast feeding, the pure exhaustion, c-section recovery, my constant fight to lose the baby weight, and the risks. The risk of loss, the risk of bringing home a sick baby (1 in 4), and that is just for CF alone..never mind all the things that could go wrong that we don't know about. After reflection, I remember why she is our only living (biological) child. Perhaps, if we change our minds down the road, we could adopt. But for now, I concentrate on her. On soaking up every second of her RIGHT NOW, in the moment..because I know, that tomorrow morning, she will be different, again.

Monday, July 4, 2011

Where have I been?

I have no idea! It has been another month since I posted in this space. I am finding I just don't have the time, nor do I have anything insightful, witty, or really important to say. I am also having issues with my blogger account. I can read your posts, but I am unable to comment on them! There have been several comments written, only to be put through the same problems every time. It wants me to do that security word thingy, then it bounces me out of my google account. Then when I sign back in, my comment is gone. This repeats itself every time I try to comment. So, just know that I am reading, I just can't comment :P

Kaedence is growing like a bad weed! She is now 14 weeks (or almost 3 1/2 months!!) I don't think it will be long before she will grow out of her 0-3 month clothes *sniff*. Dresses and such seem to fit fine, it is the sleepers she is growing out of, and a few of her onesies are starting to become too short! She is into some of her 3-6 month clothing, depending on what it is. We were visiting family the other day and they tried to weigh her, and their scale said she weighed on the heavy side of 10 pounds. I find that hard to believe..I think she weighs more than that! I'd say she's probably closer to 12 pounds.

She is smiling up a storm now, and will react when I greet her in the morning, or when I go to pick her up. She is babbling and tells lots of stories. She seems to play really well on her own, and actually, when I try to play with her she just sits there and stares at me. If I go away, she start babbling and batting at her toys. She has found her hands, and this means that she is either playing with her fingers or trying to put a fist in her mouth. When I read to her, she usually falls asleep. She is sleeping through the night and usually goes down around 10pm and gets up around 6:30. She seems to eat 4 or 5 times a day and is up to 6 1/2 ounces per feeding! She is sitting with assistance, and LOVES the ceiling fan, anything that hangs above her (like her mobile), and.....she loves the TV :s So we have to turn that off. I usually keep the satellite radio on during the day, that way she listens to music. She loves her jogging stroller, which is great for me because it is allowing me to exercise outside :)

Here are the latest pictures... Cheers!

10 weeks

11 weeks

12 weeks

13 weeks

14 weeks- 1 day : Canada Day!

14 weeks + 1 day (yesterday) We all went to see the RCMP musical ride. As a Canadian, this is the first time I remember seeing the ride. I recommend it to all my fellow Canucks, and if any of my American friends ever get a chance to see it, well, you should! :D

She's SO busy watching those Red Serges going round and round and round...

Her first encounter with the police!

Kaedence and my DH get up close and personal with a horse and rider :)

Thursday, June 2, 2011

An update...

It has been nearly a month since I have written in this space, and my only excuse is that I am busy. My DH is working quite a bit, which makes me primary care giver to the little lady, and full time maid. I am scared at the thought of what our house will look like when I go back to work next year!

Kaedence is GROWING! Just today, I packed up all her newborn outfits (*sniff *sniff ). They will be passed along to friends of ours (whose little girl was born 5 weeks premature, 2 weeks after we had Kaedence). Of course, I kept a few for sentimental reasons. She is settling into a routine, and is sleeping around 6 hours at night, at best. I am no longer pumping for her, so that means that I get a little more sleep at night. She started grinning a few weeks ago, and is cooing. She will tell you stories! She can pretty much hold her head up on her own, but we still have a hand at the ready, just in case she gets tired. She is really enjoying her play mat and loves anything that is hanging above her (mobiles, ceiling fans, etc). She had her 2 month needles 2 weeks ago, and she SCREAMED! Poor little thing! But at that appointment she weighed almost 9 pounds and was 21 1/2 inches long.

Here are a few pictures of the last few weeks! As you can see, it seems there is no limit to the number of facial expressions this child has!

4 weeks

5 weeks

6 weeks

7 weeks

8 weeks

9 weeks

Just yesterday

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Mother's day

Ah, Mother's day. What a different experience from last year's Mother's day, when I wanted the entire day to just disappear off the calendar. But I'm still a little ambivalent and I don't know why. I'm so happy Kaedence is here, alive and healthy, and I get to experience this Mother's day as a mother to a living child, but I just can't seem to get "in the spirit". Perhaps this is the "rainbow mom's" experience. Happiness, with a bit of bitterness...

Monday, April 25, 2011

The first month.. post-partum...

(Professional photo taken at 13 days old)

Wow, I can't believe Kaedence is a month old. It feels like those precious days that I was so looking forward to when I was pregnant, are gone forever. There are a few things I wish I could have done differently, but in the end, she is here, and so are we, so we make the best of now. Please pardon the following rant, but I've got to put it down.

Breast feeding has not gone well from the start, and it is heartbreaking. Breast feeding was my "one" crusade. It was the one thing I wanted to do, at all costs, but there have been many factors that have not helped the situation. First, Kaedence will NOT open her mouth wide enough, so getting a good latch is impossible. I think I have nursed her once in the last month when it hasn't hurt. If she does manage to get a good latch, she will take a few good gulps, get the milk flowing, then use me as a pacifier. When she does this, she pushes my nipple to the front of her mouth (just behind the gums), then bites down...OUCH!! I have been told by a lactation consultant that the constant "on-off" dance that we do with the latch causes friction damage, and it is no wonder it hurts. My first day home from the hospital, I ended up getting sick with a chest infection and they put me on really strong antibiotics. These antibiotics gave poor Kaedence the "poops" and burned her little bottom. So after some research, and talking with a Pharmacist, the decision was made that I would have to dump my breast milk for the remainder of my prescription + 48 hours (to allow the drug to leave my breast milk). So Kaedence was on formula for about a week. This allowed my nipples (which were cracked and bleeding) to heal, but the antibiotics also gave me a yeast infection on my nipples. I don't know if any of you ladies have ever experienced this, but it feels like razor blades when you nurse, and for an hour or so afterwards. So I was put on an antifungal for that. Once we got that all cleared up, my milk supply plummeted. So now, I'm taking Fenugreek and pumping every 3 hours (because I still can't stand the pain when I feed her), to try and boost my supply. I don't know if it is working. My supply is almost back to what it was, but it isn't getting better beyond that. I am only able to pump off enough milk to give her about 1 or 2 bottles of pure breast milk a day (6 ounces a day or so)... The last resort is a prescription medicine called Domperidone, and I don't know if I want to go that far or not... As of right now, all the medications, the pump, and the time, have cost me more than straight formula feeding ever would have!

The lack of success breast feeding is a huge blow for me. I hate the fact that I have fought with her for the first month of her life to feed. I feel inadequate as a mom for not being able to feed her... my one job as a mother... I also feel like for the first month of her life, I haven't really held her unless she is crying. I looked after her when she had a messy diaper, or when she needed a bath, or when she fussed, or when she needed to be fed (when we were breast feeding this was an awful fight!). After she was settled, and warm, everyone else got to hold her. I seldom got to snuggle her when she was content, because by the time that opportunity came I had to put her down otherwise she would have been up all night. It was always more important that someone else hold her, and now I can't get that time back. It won't be replaced with another baby because we likely will not have another one. I feel like I am just getting to know her now... which was my biggest fear when I was pregnant.

I am struggling with the decision to call it quits on the pumping. I spend at least 3-4 hours a day right now hooked to the pump. This is at all hours of the day and night because I am supposed to be pumping every 3 hours. I am still not making nearly enough milk to feed her. I know that what I am giving her is still important, no matter how little. But on another level, I just want the throw out the pump, bind my breasts, and spend this time with her instead. I think I am done with the direct breast feeding. I am at least able to enjoy her when I can, rather than resenting her for the pain whenever she touches my breasts. I am thinking that unless my supply dramatically increases, she will end up being a formula baby...which was the last thing I wanted. I am feeling that until I can let this breast feeding thing go, I won't really get to enjoy her. The public health nurse is coming tomorrow to help us with breast feeding...I think it is time for "a talk".

For the good news, she is healthy and alive. She does not have CF, and she is not even a carrier of the condition (like her Dad and I are). She has better genes than we do! She is growing SO fast now. It took her some time to get back up to her birth weight, but once she did she started gaining quickly. Last week she weighed 6lbs 15 ounces. I am positive that she is about 7 1/2 pounds now. I feel like this is an awful thing to say..but I am glad she is still small. I still have my "newborn" in size. She still fits into Newborn clothing, but I can see that she will be growing out of them very quickly.

I have wondered if I am going a bit "post-partum". I have talked with a few other Moms and they felt the same way when they went through it. Then I feel so fucking guilty. What do I have to be upset over? No one (other than me) cares how she is fed... she is alive...she is healthy..she is growing.. I don't think she hates me (yet)...

*sigh* I can't believe she is a month old... the time has slipped right past me.

I'll stop my bitching and moaning now and go back to my baby now... Oh, here are a few highlights from the past month!

One hour old!

One day old!

2 days old (napping on Daddy's chest)

One week old.

One week old...she gets to snuggle with her big sister (Kherrington's ashes are stored inside this bear).

2 weeks old (almost)..

3 weeks old (all dressed up and going for dinner!)

4 weeks old

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Newborn Photos!!

I am SO far behind in blog posts, that it is ridiculous! There is SO much I want to write about, (and get off my chest), but I just don't seem to have the time. As I type this right now, I am pumping with my collection container conveniently wedged between my knee and the table :s Perhaps, when things slow down and we get some free time, I'll be able to get caught up. I wanted to take a moment and share a "Sneak Peek" at our newborn photo shoot. These pictures were taken on Friday April 8th, by Pam Tomen with Great Takes Photography. Please go take a peek at them HERE (on her blog). Our little rainbow, Kaedence, was 13 days old on the day of her photo shoot, which also happened to be her "original" due date, before they changed it to April 9th! Enjoy!

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Our delivery story.

So, I am finally getting around to typing up our delivery story..12 days later! :s Recovery has been long and painful for me, and that is my excuse. That, and I really don't have a sense of "time" anymore, the days just seem to run together. So...here is our story!

On Friday, March 25th, I had my regular appointments with the Antenatal clinic for a biophysical profile, and the Obstetrician. The Biophysical profile went well, she scored a 10/10. At my OB appointment, the doctor who was seeing me that day was going to be my delivering doctor on Saturday at the hospital. I will refer to him as Dr.M. Dr. M checked me and discovered that my cervix was still high and closed, and he sent me over to the hospital to have a tablet of cytotec put in overnight.

We headed over to the hospital, and arrived there at around 3pm. We talked with the nurses, and decided that we would go have dinner, and go see a movie, and return back to the hospital after we were done. My bestie from My life in Purple arrived in the city at around 5pm, and we went and had dinner with some friends, and saw a movie (Hall Pass). At around 9:30 pm we headed back to the hospital.

At approximately 10:30pm, they inserted the tablet of cytotec, monitored the baby for about 1/2 hour, then sent me to my room for the night. At around 2am, I woke up, and was crampy. I was unable to go back to sleep, so I called the nurse and she brought me something to ease my discomfort. I woke up at around 6:30am, had my breakfast, took a shower, and went over to Labour and Delivery at around 10am. Dr.M greeted us, and checked me. I had progressed to 3 cm and 80% effaced just with the single dose! So he decided to break my water. They sent me for a walk, and told me to come back in about 45 minutes. So my hubby went to get a snack, and my bestie and I walked the halls. At 11am I returned to L &D, and they checked me again... no change. So they decided to start the oxytocin in the I.V. During this entire process, they kept saying how I would likely progress very quickly once labour got going, so I was hopeful for a quick delivery, and hopefully by supper time. They let me eat some lunch and started the oxytocin at just after noon.

By 2:30pm my contractions were beginning to become uncomfortable. They checked me and I was only 3-4 cm and the baby's head was "high". Our little one had been having heart rate decelerations and they couldn't tell if it was her heart beat that the monitor was picking up, or mine. So the decision was made to put an electrode on her scalp to pick up her heart beat. I had not had any pain medications, and this procedure was the most uncomfortable part of my day thus far! Once the electrode was in place, they were able to track her heart beat.

At around 4:30 pm I had my epidural, and I was told that I was only 4-5 cm and that the baby's head was still "high". She was experiencing "compression" contractions, where her heart rate would rise as the contraction began..then dip during the contraction, and recover to normal afterwards. At around 5pm the nurse checked me because of these contractions. She was thinking that I would be dilating quickly. No luck..still the same. The doctor decided that we would continue with the induction, and monitor the baby closely. He told me that as long as she continued to recover from the contractions, he was OK with continuing.

By 7:30 pm I was on maximum dose oxytocin, and resting comfortably with my epidural. The nurse was monitoring the baby. My contractions were very strong and close together, coming every minute and a half and lasting 50 seconds. I had two strong contractions that she didn't recover from. The nurse tore the monitor strip off, and left us with a student nurse, and went to find Dr.M. 15 minutes later, Dr.M entered the room and said "Marjorie, I think it is time we have this baby. We need to do a c-section...she is not tolerating labour". I said "Do what you have to, just get her out alive!". By 8pm they were getting me ready for the O.R.

Kaedence Raine Gavel was born at 8:43 pm. The doctors moved very quickly to get her out, and she was born with the umbilical cord wrapped around her neck and shoulders..she probably wouldn't have survived a vaginal birth. She sure did exercise her lungs though, and I could hear her crying as they did their assessments down the hall. After the doctor had finished the c-section, and stitched and stapled me back up, they discovered that there was a surgical sponge missing. They ordered an X-ray..and there it was! It was right up just under my rib cage! Dr.M was very apologetic and said that he would have to re-open my incision and remove the sponge and the procedure would take about another 1/2 hour. I was upset that I couldn't hold Kaedence during that time, and they allowed my DH to return to the OR with her while they re-prepped me for another surgery.

The doctor worked quickly, and removed the sponge. By the end of the operation, my epidural was starting to wear off, and I could feel the pressure of the staples as the entered my skin :s NOT a nice feeling!!! They moved me to recovery and I finally got to hold our little girl!

I stayed in the hospital for 4 days post-op. I could have stayed an extra day, but I really wanted to come home. I managed to come down with a chest infection on my first day at home, and I am now on a high dose of antibiotics to help me through that, but in the meantime, I am being forced to pump and dump my breast milk. We discovered that the antibiotics gave poor Kaedence the "poops" and a bad diaper rash. I will do another post soon about the woes of breastfeeding... I am still quite sore, and I am taking Tylenol and Ibuprofen for pain...along with the occasional prescribed morphine tablet at night to make me comfortable enough to sleep.

I can't believe that Kaedence is almost 2 weeks old already. I realized yesterday that I had to get some newborn photos done of her before she got too big! I am waiting to hear back from the photographer. In the mean time... The above picture is a shot of our little rainbow this morning... alert, after her feeding, and 12 days old already! She changes so much everyday.