"...Have faith in your dreams and someday,

your rainbow will come smiling through.

No matter how your heart is grieving,

if you keep on believing,

the dream that you wish will come true..."

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Right Now

I am here...somewhere. I haven't written on either of my blogs in quite a while. I can't explain why. I really don't have a lot of extra time. I am finding I would rather spend time with Kaedence, than write I guess. The only time I get to myself to write is just before bed, and often I'd rather just nap, or watch some TV. I have written a few posts and not published them for one reason or another. I guess there are things that I need to write down, but that I don't need to hit the "Publish Post" button about.

Kaedence is growing so fast! She is 6 1/2 months old, and at her 6 month checkup she weighed 15.5 lbs and was 25 inches long. The doctor wants to measure and weigh her again at 8, and 10 months just to make sure she doesn't fall off the growth charts. She is still considered "small" according to those charts, but the charts don't take into consideration that she was 6 lbs at birth...they are really meant for 7 or 8 lb babies. She is rolling and rolling around is her primary means of self-transportation. She is FAST too. You turn your back and she's moved herself 10 feet in a matter of seconds. She likes to stand, and the best $60 we ever spent was on her Jumperoo. She now has 2..yes 2!! bottom teeth which she cut at the same time last week. She now also has her first cold :(

I want to freeze time. Just keep her this way for a little while. But then there are days when I wake up and she seems like a different baby, and the baby of yesterday is gone. A new look, a new expression, a new milestone, they just keep coming. Then there are moments that make me freeze. Yesterday I went to the grocery store around supper time as there was a few things we needed. I made a quick trip out of it, because she seemed to be getting sick..quickly. On the way home, she fell asleep. When I got home, and unpacked the groceries, I put her and her carrier on the dining room table so that I could see her, and she could see me in the kitchen, if she woke up. As I placed her on the table, she had "a look". The soother was out of her mouth, she was ASLEEP...SOUND ASLEEP. I even checked to see if she was breathing. Her hands were clasped across her front....she looked just like her sister...

There are moments recently where I feel like I could go through it all again and have another baby. It is on these days that I remember the pregnancies. The worry, the anxiety, the ignorant bliss, the devastation, the constant kick counting, the inability to function when Kaedence wasn't moving, the post-partum, the breast feeding, the pure exhaustion, c-section recovery, my constant fight to lose the baby weight, and the risks. The risk of loss, the risk of bringing home a sick baby (1 in 4), and that is just for CF alone..never mind all the things that could go wrong that we don't know about. After reflection, I remember why she is our only living (biological) child. Perhaps, if we change our minds down the road, we could adopt. But for now, I concentrate on her. On soaking up every second of her RIGHT NOW, in the moment..because I know, that tomorrow morning, she will be different, again.