A sneak peek...and a comparison

We had appointments this morning with both the Obstetrician and the Specialist. Both appointments went well. The first appointment was with the OB, and today I saw Dr.M. He was VERY nice, and advised me to not bother with kick counts until I'm about 28 weeks. He told me I'd just drive myself nuts! I'm measuring right on track (uterus measurement) and her heart beat was clocked at approximately 134 beats per minute.

We then went over to our appointment with the Specialist. She just did a quick scan, and I'm sure it was mostly for my sanity. The baby still looks good, with no concerns. Apparently, I misheard her at my last appointment, and she's only on vacation for a week! So that means my next appointment is January 13th, and we managed to get the appointments co-ordinated so we (hopefully) won't have to make trips every week after that for at least a month or so. I figure they will start to monitor me every week around the end of February.

On another note... I'm going to post two pictures. The first one is the best 3D picture from today's quick scan. The second one is a 3D picture that was taken of her big sister, Kherrington, at 28 weeks. You can't miss the similarities.

This is "Bump" or "Martha" (as her Auntie Iris has named her) taken today at 25 5/7 weeks

..and this is Kherrington. Taken at 28 3/7 weeks. It appears that "bump"/"Martha"/"G 2.oh" has her big sister's nose and chin.

Specialist appointment at 24 weeks +2 days on December 20, 2010

So, this is a few days late...again! I have been rather busy the last few days and I haven't had time to write an update. :S

We went to see the specialist on Monday, and everything still looks GOOD!!!! The bowels are still dark, but the specialist did warn me that during the third trimester the bowel may start to brighten a bit due to changes in the consistency and meconium building up. She said it is a "normal" brightening, and when it happens, the bowels are not considered to be echogenic the way Kherrington's were. She wanted us to know this so we weren't startled by it in the coming weeks.

We watched her lick her lips and move around in there, but she did NOT want to co-operate for decent pictures. The doctor even tried another 3D scan and had to get me to lie on my side to even get the picture to turn out! As you can see in the last picture below, she is a real diva and does not want any pictures taken!

The papillary muscle in the heart is still a bit bright, and when I asked about it she said "I'm really not concerned about it at all". Our girl weighs approximately 1lb 8ozs, and is right on track. I am going to see her again next Thursday because the specialist is in next week, then she is on vacation for two weeks after that. Then she is booked solid in her first week back at work, and that would mean it would be 4 weeks before I see her again. She said that she didn't have any reason to see me during the next 4 weeks, but suggested that I come back next week for a quick look so that I wouldn't have such a long wait between appointments. It is wonderful that she understands my anxiety, and is working with it.

So here are the pictures from Monday's appointment. As this pregnancy progresses (and it is seems to be progressing very quickly!), it seems like this "baby thing" might just actually happen.

This is a foot...the same one that has discovered the bottom of my rib cage!



A "classic" profile shot, but she was quartering away from us, making her face seem a bit flat!



A nice picture of her hand, and those long fingers that I would say she is getting from her Dad! .. at least it is just her index finger pointing up!



This is the attempt at the 3D scan. You can see her two forearms, and between the forearms is her chin and mouth. She has one hand covering her nose and eyes, and the other hand is covering her forehead.. "NO, NO, NO! No pictures!"



Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all my followers! I have to say that 2010 has to be one of the most bittersweet years of my life. We awaited a new life in January, and had to say hello and goodbye in February. We had a memorial in March, and survived the rest of the spring. I returned to work in May, and my DH graduated from the Paramedic Academy in July. We found out we were expecting July 31st, my DH started his job in August, and with each passing month, our rainbow is shining brighter and brighter.

22 weeks + 2 days...Ultrasound with the specialist and first appointment with the OB!

We did make it to Fredericton yesterday for our appointment/ultrasound with the specialist,and then our first appointment with the Obstetrician.

Both appointments went very well. Baby is still measuring right on track at 1lb 1oz and she put on quite the show for the doctors yesterday. She was head down, but she still has a lot of room in there and can flip-flop as she likes. At the start of the ultrasound she was folded in half (just like her big sister was at 28 weeks!) her feet and a hand were right up over her head, which made for good photo ops!



The nurse took a few diagnostic pictures that needed labelling, so images were frozen on the screen for about 30 seconds to a minute. When she resumed the scan, little critter had turned herself away and un-folded herself, and we laughed as she tried to re-position the ultrasound. She was very busy in there, and we even watched her opening and closing her mouth, which is what we love to see! The baby's bladder was full, which means she is swallowing amniotic fluid..which is also very good sign. So far, everything looks good. The papillary muscle in the heart is still bright, and as I mentioned in my last post, in 10% of cases it is a soft marker for downs syndrome. However, our baby doesn't have any other Downs characteristics, so the specialist is really not concerned about it. Baby's bowels are still dark (YAY!) and there were no areas of concern. I am going back to see the specialist in two weeks on Dec 20th.

After seeing the specialist, we went across the street and met the Obstetrician.
She will be my primary OB, but has encouraged me to see all of the OB doctors since any of them may be there on delivery day. To top it all off, I learned that the horrible doctor I had on the second day of our inducement with Kheri, is no longer in the province!! YAY!!!! At least I don't have to worry about seeing him in this pregnancy. Our OB is new to New Brunswick, and has come from British Columbia to practice with the group of OBs in Fredericton. She is VERY nice, knowledgeable and re-assuring. She said the best words I have heard yet in this pregnancy (next to the specialist saying "everything looks fine"). The OB said "you are the only one with a direct connection to your baby. So tell us what your concerns or feelings are... it is our job to re-assure you and address them"... AHHH it is so nice for someone to say "hey..your intuition might be right..we should listen to mom".... :D The OB wants me to return next Monday morning so she can have an opportunity to learn about Kherrington's story, hear my concerns and outline a "plan" for this pregnancy. She said "due to your previous stillbirth, you are going to be under the microscope"... and I don't mind one bit! If it means a healthy delivery, so be it! I will still be going to the local hospital for prenatal check ups as well for now..so that means LOTS of appointments! Here's hoping that these winter storms stay away on the days of our appointments! (and it would be nice if the gasoline price would drop a little too!)

So enough of my babbling! Here are the rest of the pictures from yesterday's appointment with the specialist. She attempted to take some 3D pictures but little critter is still small, and she had her face turned away, which made it hard to get distinguishable facial features. She also had her arms crossed in front of her body,and partially covering her face, which made it hard to get good pictures. We watched her uncross her arms and then move away from us! We can assure you..she does have a face..lol... She said that she hopes to try another 3D scan over the next few appointments as the best pictures are generated when the baby is between 26 and 30 weeks along. The best 3D picture is the last one, which just show her legs and feet.

Prenatal checkup - 21 weeks + 2 days

We had another checkup at the local hospital's prenatal clinic this morning. Baby's heart beat came in nice and strong, my blood pressure was good and I've gained a whopping 8 pounds! So that brings my total to 9 pounds so far in this pregnancy.

Baby girl's movements have slowed over the last 24 hours, but doctor reassured me that it was very normal at this stage of the pregnancy especially where she is still so little, and I have an anterior placenta. She has to be positioned "just right" for me to feel movement. As I type this right now, she has given me a couple of pokes. I guess she truly is a Diva...she does not perform on command! The doctor kinda laughed and asked me if I had been shaking and poking her to wake her up to get movement, and of course I said "Yes"..and giggled a little. He said "Gotta be careful with that, your baby will be born with insomnia"..lol.. The entire conversation was just too funny.

So my next appointment is in 4 weeks (Dec 29th), and I have to go through the blood glucose tolerance test at that time... bleagh! That orange crap is so sweet, that it is gross! Then I'll have to go back in at 28 weeks for another Rhogam shot, and I know last time they started seeing me every 2 weeks at around 28 weeks anyways.

I ran into one of the sweet nurses who teaches the prenatal class this morning, and we had a nice chat, talking and laughing. She said that usually they don't let mom's who've had a previous still birth go too far beyond 38 weeks. I think that sounds wonderful! Here's hoping the specialist feels the same way when the time comes!

I LOVE ginger ale

I threw up my breakfast this morning. I think it was likely a combination of eating late, eating too quickly, drinking orange juice too quickly and then add a multivitamin on top of that. I barely made it to the toilet...

Then a slight bout of panic settled in. The only time I got sick with Kheri was the day she died. I still wonder to this day if she was sending me a message that she was sick. Being only 20 weeks + 5 days today, and knowing that she still needs me to survive, I decided to sit down, watch a movie, drink a little gingerale. I felt bump give me a little nudge about an hour later.

I decided to have some cheese and crackers and an apple for a snack at lunch time. This meal stayed down, but required gingerale to keep it down.

The same thing occurred after supper tonight. I didn't throw up this time, but I did lay down on the couch and while I was talking to dh on the phone, I instantly had to sit up.

Bump was very active this evening, and that is very reassuring, given the big hug I had to give the toilet this morning. I am guessing that she likes the gingerale too. I wouldn't wonder, liquid sugar should wake the baby up!

November 10 - 18 weeks + 4 days specialist appointment

I know this is a few days late, but I just haven't really had the chance to do up a blog post yet. We had our appointment with the specialist on Wednesday.

She was asleep at the start of the ultrasound, with her back to the
world, sitting sideways/breech and sort-of folded on her legs sound
asleep.



The nurse poked my tummy and woke her up so that we could see some fetal movement during the ultrasound...well then she didn't want to sit still! Everything looks good. She does have a "bright" spot in the pulmonary muscles of the heart. Dr. Butt said that in about 10% of cases is a soft marker for Downs syndrome, however, my maternal serum screen gives us an odds of downs at 1:8000 or so. She said that with the bright spot it would bring our odds of Downs to 1:4600 which is really nothing to be concerned about. The baby's arms, legs are nice and long, her kidneys are not inflamed, the bowels are not bright, she does not have extra fluid in the spine and brain, and she doesn't have a short nose bone, all of which are characteristic of a Downs baby. I asked several times if the bright spot in the heart could be a sign of congenital heart defects, or a problem within the heart. She reassured me that the brightness has nothing to do with the function of the baby's heart. The heart is working fine. She said "It will probably disappear...we'll watch it.. but if this happened in another pregnancy, just as it presents now, I wouldn't have a need to see the patient, so I'm really not concerned about it". She said at the end of the ultrasound "the baby looks good, placenta looks good, I'll see you in 4 weeks".

She also used the probe to check my cervix also and everything looks fine in that department; still long and closed. She said that she couldn't see any source of intra-uterine bleeding, and there are no clots forming within the uterus, so she figures that the bleeding is likely coming from the cervix itself. This is exactly what I have been told all along, but it is still nice to hear it, especially when I had been bleeding off and on for over a week.

So here are the remainder of the pictures. In the first one, it looks like she's talking on the phone! Mouth wide open! Our girl Iris came with us, and I heard her say when this picture was taken "I wonder where she gets that from?" The Doctor said the same thing a few minutes later..it was like surround sound! So here she is, weighing all of 9 ounces!

Hello World.

I heard this for the first time last week while getting ready for work but didn't catch the entire video. Then tonight, while DH and I were coming home from an impromptu dinner out, this song came on. Timely perhaps? Here's hoping! We are heading to our 18 1/2 week ultrasound tomorrow morning.

"I see a light, a little hope..in a little girl..."

"I see a light, a little grace, little faith unfurl. Well hello world."



** It seems that when I originally published this post, the embedded video had part of the screen cut off. Many thanks to my girl Iris for helping me out! You can still go to Lady Antebellum's video Hello World here if you prefer.**

*sigh*

So we had to make another trip up to the local hospital this morning. I went to the bathroom, wiped, and there it was again...blood. I have had the occasional spot here and there over the last week, but today, it was enough to make me panic. I sat on the couch for a few minutes, and my DH came up from the basement and I told him what happened. He said, "OK, we'll go get you checked out, it is a good day to hear the baby's heartbeat". I love how he always has a way to calm me down when I get worked up.

By the time we left the house, the bleeding had stopped, which I think just makes the nurses think I'm crazy, but I would rather have it stop, than continue. So I got up to Labour and Delivery, where I had a great nurse! It was the same doctor that saw me today, that saw me the night before Kheri passed away. The nurse found the baby's heartbeat with the fetal monitor, and that was very reassuring. The doctor came in, and we had a nice chat, to explain what was going on, and the possible reasons why. He explained what exactly a friable cervix is, and why it bleeds. I asked if a friable cervix can become an incompetent cervix (that would cause me to deliver my baby too prematurely for it to survive). He said no, but seeing as I was concerned about it, he suggested that we do a cervical check. Everything looks fine, cervix is long and closed, so we don't have to worry about it. I am going to see the specialist on Wednesday of this week for my 18-20 week scan, and he said that he was going to send a note to her to have her check the cervix, and suggested that I remind her as well. I really like the way this doctor took the time to explain, talk, and answer my questions (and there were a few!!). He said "The great thing about this operation is we're always here, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. You come back whenever you need to... Anytime a woman sees blood during a pregnancy, she is allowed to be anxious, and especially in your circumstances". (*I have to note, both of those sentences were said, just at different points in the conversation*)

So we spent another hour at the hospital this morning. The nurses and the doctor told me to come back, whenever I need to. *sigh* I just want a living child 20-22 weeks from now, it would be nice if these scares would stop, but one of the kind nurses explained to me this morning that these scares will continue until she is about 13 years old, when her brains fall out and I will want to strangle her...lol. So I have been couch ridden today, I am glad that work is almost over. It will be nice to not have to worry about that too.

And for the record...I straightened my hair yesterday and found at least three SILVER hairs. They weren't white, they weren't colourless, the were silver. I have already removed 2 silver hairs in this pregnancy, it appears that I might be bald by the time this pregnancy is over!

November 1st- 17 weeks + 2 days prenatal appointment

We had a prenatal appointment at the local hospital this morning. I actually met a doctor I have never met before. A tiny little thing, and when she was measuring my tummy she said that she had twins last year. I popped my head off the pillow and said "Really!? where did you put them?" :P She was really nice though, she asked about work, and addressed any concerns I had. She even asked when my next appointment with the specialist is.

It is official, I have gained an entire pound over my pre-pregnancy weight! So now I think I can guess which way the scales are going to go from here! My abdomen is measuring right on track and my blood pressure was sitting at 126/74 which is a bit high for me,(I usually average around 110-115/60-65), but nothing to be concerned about. Baby was moving around today and the doctor had to work a little to get her heart beat. It wasn't long, but those few seconds always feel like an eternity. She got the heart beat for a few seconds, then had to adjust the doppler to get it again because, as she said "someone is moving around in there!" When she got a reading she said it sounded good and was around 140bpm.

I guess that is it. We go to see the specialist again on Nov 10th for our 18-20 week full biophysical scan. This little girl already has her own calendar! Otherwise I'd never know which doctor to go to and on what date.

October 25 - Our 16 week appointment with the Specialist

Yesterday we had our 16 weeks checkup with the specialist. First things first, everything looks good so far with the baby. We have a GIRL! and she is measuring right on track!

The doctor had a resident working with her yesterday. He was a very nice and polite young man who took some ultrasound pictures (mostly size measurements) before the doctor took over. He went right to her head first and was measuring it for gestational age. I just wanted to scream "Ok..forget that for a minute, show me the heart!" He then measured the belly, and then went to the leg bones. As he measured the legs I saw her feet and legs stretch out, and instantly felt better. But that was a long time to wait to get some reassurance! After that, that child would move just as a picture was taken..resulting in that "fuzzy" appearance. The doctor even said "She is quite active".

The doctor then took over and took some pictures and measurements. The bowels are not bright at this point, and we even got some pictures too! She did take some pictures of a fold in the placenta. She said "I'm really not concerned about it, there is no blood behind it, and the baby looks fine". So I'm trying to put that to the back of my mind, and I'm desperately resisting the urge to google it. I know from previous experience that the Internet will just scare me. She is really honest, and I know that if she was concerned she would say so!

So here is our second little girl! I get to go back in 2-3 weeks for a full biophysical profile, since there were some organs that were just too small to get good pictures of yesterday.



Oh, and here is the "look" she is going for this Halloween season!

I need a maid....anyone?...Anyone?? ... No?... :s

I believe, that I have never been this tired in my entire life. When I was pregnant with Kheri, at least I found the energy to exercise and run errands.

I am attempting to work five day weeks, and even that is proving to be a challenge! By last Friday, I thought I was going to die. I just wanted to curl up, and sleep. Instead, I went to work, and tried desperately to conquer the stupid project I'm working on. This was to no avail, and I left work more frustrated than when I went in. I came home, and spent all day yesterday doing laundry (about 6 loads of it!!), and I vowed that was all I was going to do. Then mid afternoon, while going for a drink of water I was disgusted by our floors. So I swept, and then decided that perhaps a shower would make me feel better and almost barfed when I looked at the condition of our shower. So I emptied the remainder of our green cleaners onto the walls and the bottom of the shower and gave it a scrub. I did a sink full of dishes, and took some recyclables to the basement and lit a nice toasty fire. By dinner time, I was toast. I have decided that I need a maid...and despite my best effort the cats are not willing participants. I have attempted to tie swiffers to their feet, to no avail.

Today, I have an awful headache. I have been to the banks, to the stores, and home again. I've done another sink of dishes, and baked a batch of muffins without setting off the fire alarm (who says I can't cook!). I really should finish that laundry, lite another fire, and do some dusting, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I am utterly exhausted. So I think I am going to give in to the fatigue, lay down, and watch some bad Sunday T.V. Thankfully I took care of dinner when I got groceries..Sobeys take and bake pizzas. I almost bought a bottle of baby laundry soap today, then said to myself "Just wait a few more weeks". I hate that I do that. I hate that I have this apprehension of everything.

I am also eagerly waiting to feel those first movements. I have felt the occasional tickle, or knock but, so that I don't drive myself crazy, I have decided to classify them as digestive tickles and knocks. 15 weeks + 1 day today, another 25 weeks (well 22 weeks if I have my way) to go. Hang in there baby, we're waiting for you!

Prenatal Appointment: 13 weeks + 2 days

I had another prenatal appointment yesterday at the local hospital.  The doctor was able to hear the baby's heart beat with the doppler, and it was quite audible!!  He said that hearing the heart beat like that was a really good sign considering I am only 13 weeks along and we have to listen/try to find the heart beat through the placenta.  Often, when they try to listen through the placenta all they hear is my heart beat.  So that was very reassuring.  I am having a lot of stretching and lower back discomfort, which I have read is normal, thanks to relaxin.  The stretching is a good sign, and as uncomfortable as it may be...I don't mind!

The doctor also modified my work accommodation note to get me off my feet a little more.  This was done more for my peace of mind that for safety of the baby.  He said that exercise should not effect the bleeding that I am experiencing, but I do wonder if it does sometimes.  My blood pressure was good (considering), and I have lost 3 lbs since my last appointment.  I thought for sure that I would have gained at least 5 lbs.  So far, I have lost 2 lbs total in this pregnancy, but I know that will change very soon!  Here comes thanksgiving, and Christmas..and PIE!!!!! 

and Again....

So, after a great couple of days, the spotting started again this morning.  So, off to the hospital I went.  The critter did not want to co-operate for a doppler reading, so I instantly thought "oh here we go again".  The nurse had the doctor come in (which was my family doctor!), and she went and got the ultrasound.   Much to my relief we saw the baby's heart beating away, and she left the ultrasound on so that I could see him/her move.  The baby gave us a little show, so that provided much relief.

The doctor said "Sometimes, bleeding just happens, but if you ever need reassurance you come up".  She said that it is much like a nose bleed.  Sometimes they happen for no apparent reason, and they re-occur a few times before everything heals up. 

My hubby was working today, but my best girl Iris found her way to me at the hospital, and has been with me all day.  Thank-you babe, for who you are and everything you do!

12 weeks: An amazing ultrasound..then a scare the next day!

On Monday September 27th we had an ultrasound appointment with Dr. Butt in Fredericton.  It was a VERY positive day!  As the nurse touched the ultrasound to my stomach, and the first pictures started to appear, my DH (dear husband) said "Oh my!  It is fully formed?!?".  Our little one was in there, and using my uterus as a human trampoline.  We watched as he/she JUMPED from one end of my uterus to the other.  The baby was sitting breech, with its bum and feet nestled in my pelvis.  The little one was also not cooperating when it came time to have measurements taken.  The way he/she was positioned it was difficult to get a crown to rump length, and therefore predict gestational age!  They took MANY pictures of this measurement and I think the final verdict was approximately the same as my predictions according to my dates.  The little one actually seemed to look at us at one point, and the hand started waving! 

The specialist then got down to business and checked the development, and so far, so good.  Baby's heart was beating between 149 at one measurement, then 158 the next (they were poking my tummy and asking me to cough to try and get the baby to move around and change positions, so that irritated the baby).  Dr. Butt measured the nucheal fold so that they can combine the measurement with my Maternal serum screening results and give a prediction for Downs syndrome.  She took a look (and pictures) of the brain, heart, bladder and stomach.  She then went to where the bowels would be and highlighted the hip bones.  She then pointed to where the bowel would be and said "I don't see any brightness yet".  Now this does not mean that the bowels won't become bright...it just means they are not bright right now. 

At the end of the appointment we talked about an early induction and she said that would depend on a lot of factors when the time comes.  We would have to consider the baby's size, lung development, and other issues (like positioning).  So we'll wait and see for that.  She said that at 36 weeks they could do an amnio and test to see if the lungs are developed.  An Amnio at that stage wouldn't hurt anything at all, and at worst could induce labour or break my water.  She also asked about genetic testing for CF, and we refused at this point.  We know our odds, we knew them when we conceived, an amnio now wouldn't change anything and is too risky.

So we came home...pictures in tow!  The doctor couldn't tell if it was a boy or a girl, since they both look very similar at this stage.  She said "for a boy, it points up..and a girl it points down..and I can't really tell with all that umbilical cord there!"  The only bad news from the appointment was that the placenta is located on the front wall (anterior) of the uterus.  This means that I may not feel movement as early, or as often since it is like a giant sponge between the baby and my tummy.  At least I know that, and it will hopefully provide some reassurance when I do start to feel the movement!

So Yesterday (Tuesday Sept 28th) I woke up and went to the washroom.  I wiped and there was blood on the toilet paper.  I immediately brushed my teeth and woke up my DH and we headed to the hospital...absolutely terrified.  Thankfully, one of the nurses who taught my prenatal class was on in labour & delivery, and she took us right into a delivery room and called the doctor.  The doctor came in and tried to settle us down and talked about the circumstances surrounding the blood.  Then she checked the baby's heartbeat.  There were a few tense seconds, and then....there it was.  At 12 weeks we could hear the heartbeat with a doppler... a strong 141 bpm!    They then examined me and discovered that the blood was not coming from the uterus, but rather the outside of the cervix.  She said my cervix was "fiable"...or irritated.  They then talked about my urine dips which showed blood in my urine and they were going to send my urine for a urine culture to determine where the blood was from.

The doctor then told me that I should go home and rest, and gave me a note for bed rest until Monday Oct 4th, when I have another doctor's appointment.  They will re-evaluate then.  After I got home, I started thinking, and called the hospital again around 1pm and asked about a Rhogam shot.  My husband is A+ blood type, and I am A-.  This is called Rh incompatibility, and if the baby has positive blood, I can develop antibodies and reject future babies.  So they gave me a Rhogam shot in the hip to prevent this from happening (I had these shots with Kheri).  I'll have to have another shot at 28 weeks...and then after the birth.   While I was up there they told me that my urine cultures showed I have a bladder infection..or a UTI (urinary tract infection).  They are quite common in pregnancy, and I may not have noticed the symptoms because..well.. you pee a lot when you're pregnant!  So I am on antibiotics to treat that now. They said that the UTI can cause the bleeding because it effects the pelvic organs and can cause inflammation.  If allowed to progress long enough it can cause a kidney infection which is very serious. 

So here I am... at home until next monday on bed rest, and hopefully the cervix will heal.  Today I had a few traces of blood this morning, but it seems to be stopping.  I don't want to say it has stopped, for fear of jinxing it!  I'm drinking LOTS of water, since I've read that extra fluids can help flush out the infection.  I won't be able to go to the CIBC run for the cure this Sunday.  But I am still going to go and sit in the chair and donate my hair for locks of love on Friday! So I sit here...journal...and research hair styles!

Prenatal Appointment #2 at 9 weeks + 5 days gestation- September 9, 2010

So, on Sept 9th I had my second prenatal appointment at the local (small but new) hospital.  It appears, that thanks to about 3 weeks worth of nausea I didn't gain any weight!  You could have fooled me! My clothes are already tight at that point.  The nausea was not making me throw up....yet, but it sure made food taste like shit!

At this appointment I decided to ask for accommodation at work.  Accommodation means that "due to medical reasons associated with the pregnancy I am requesting a modification of my job duties".  Essentially, this means I come out of uniform and into civies.  I get to work days (no more shift work!), and I am on "light" duties for the remainder of my contract.  My contract is up December 1st, and just like last year I am planning on going onto "sick" leave prior to that, and then spending the remainder of my pregnancy at home.  The doctor running the clinic that day happened to be my family doctor, and she had no problems signing the necessary paperwork.
 
We talked about a few other things, including a raging case of athletes foot, flu shots, Rogham (hubby is A + and I am A- so I get to have the shot in the hip at 28 weeks) and the fact that I feel nauseated when exercising.  She prescribed a cream for my foot, and told me to stop exercising until I'm able to eat enough and put on some weight. 

Next came the best part!  She brought out the ultrasound and said "We likely won't be able to hear a heartbeat with the Doppler at this point, would we like to try an ultrasound?"  Of course I said yes, I intentionally didn't give a urine sample at the beginning of the appointment, just so that my bladder would be full and they would (hopefully) be able to see something.  My hubby looked at me and said "remember...no expectations right? It is still early, don't get upset if they don't see anything".  But the minute she put that ultrasound on my tummy, there was a little amniotic sac and a little "critter" in there!  We watched him/her bounce around a little bit, and we could see a heart fluttering away.  That was exciting, and gave some relief to know that, at that moment, there was SOMETHING in there.  The doctor was not able to give me a printed picture because the machine was broken  :( , but the next appointment is September 27th in Fredericton with the specialist (who has an AMAZING ultrasound), so hopefully we will be able to get a picture at that appointment.

As I left the appointment, on the typical post-good-news high, I remembered having that same feeling with Kheri.  How it took a day or two to come down from that "high", and then how, as the pregnancy progressed, there were low appointments or diagnosis's that mirrored and sometimes overshadowed those highs.  I just keep hoping the highs keep coming, and the lows stay away, and at the end of the pregnancy, we have a living take home baby. 

Catching up...

Well, I finally did it!  I started another blog for our rainbow. I wavered for a while trying to decide if I wanted to start another blog, but it feels right to have this separate space.  My first task is to get caught up with posting and progress of the pregnancy, so please bear with me!  This first post is one from This 'aint no dress rehearsal, originally posted on August 16, 2010...


Could this really be our rainbow?

"...'Rainbow Baby' is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of colour, energy and hope..."



Well, it has happened. On July 31st I got a BFP (big fat positive..pregnancy test)...well, more like a faint one, but it was there just the same. Then I proceeded to test two more times over the next two days, just in case I didn't believe the first one.

I had my first appointment on August 12th. During the appointment the doctor decided to pull out the ultrasound. He had a student and wanted to show her what she should be looking for. Well of course they didn't find anything. I was only 5 weeks + 5 days along. But it made me wish they had never tried at all. They patted my arm and told me not to worry. That their equipment sucked and that it was far too early. If they really wanted to see anything they would have to do a trans-vaginal ultrasound and they didn't want to do that. So I am trying to not think about it too much, but it is hard. Some of the memories of February 3rd were right there under the surface. Shit, I was even in the same exam room that I was in when we found out Kheri was gone.

So now, here we go again. Appointments every two weeks starting September 9th(between regular checkups and ultrasounds in Fredericton). I hate the fact that I am saying "if" before everything. "If" we actually bring home a baby. "If" this turns into a bona-fide child in late March/early April of 2011. "If" we make it through the next 6 weeks, never mind the entire pregnancy. "If"..."If"..."If". I am a little bitter that I don't get to have that unfettered joy that pregnant women have. Instead, right now, I run to the bathroom at every trickle or cramp, looking for blood. And "if" this child starts moving between 16 and 20 weeks, I will be constantly counting and charting.

It has taken about 2 weeks for the "pregnant" brain to settle in. For us to start talking in terms of this child. I know that this is difficult for many of you TTC ladies to read. I pray that your TTC battles end soon, and you can join me on this rainbow journey. I need some company, just so that I know that I'm not going crazy!

I am thinking that I may start another blog for this rainbow baby. Check my profile in the coming weeks for another blog, should I start one. I want Kheri to have her own space here, and I still need a place to go to in terms of baby loss. Also, I want baby G 2.0 to have his/her own identity, separate from his/her big sister's.

For those of you who may be a Facebook friend, PLEASE, no public wall posts yet. No comments on statuses, or pictures, or anything. We still have some family who are not aware, and we will tell them and "go public" when we are ready. Isn't it funny, how virtual strangers can seem more understanding than those who are supposed to love us unconditionally? Also, if at all possible, for those of you who read this and are part of my "real" life, please minimize the public gossip. As I said, there are family and co-workers who do not know. When we are ready, we will tell them, I do not want them hearing about it through Tim Horton's/Murray's/Fusion/Pub gossip at the next table. We would still like the "mute" button on for the next little while. Please understand that I am posting it here on the unspoken understanding that most of you live in a virtual world that can lend me some support. And as for the rest of you, I can only hope that you are able to use your discretion, and common sense.